muffinmachine:

My grandpa got his first spam email and he called the police

joecroucher:

Balloons are so weird… “happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath”

shutupaubrey:

i love cold pizza are you trying to tell me you’ve never woken up in the morning and seen left over pizza in the fridge and scarfed it down in .02 secs don’t lie